Last 3 letters of the spring

      It drives me crazy. He seemed honest. I don’t know anymore. What would you think? If one day you just randomly find a scrunchie on the “everything” shelf in your boyfriend’s apartment? Not yours. You never wear your hair tied up. I’d think the worst. Yes, I know, his friends stayed there…four months ago…and he has a cleaning lady coming every two weeks on Wednesdays. And ofc, ofc it is possible that one of them…forgot…but idk, something’s wrong. Yeah, I get it. It felt so real back then. I'd still think the worst. It smelled like really shitty shampoo, the cheap kind. Hair ties DO NOT reek of fresh, cheap shampoo unless recently worn. I keep telling myself that it was the cleaning lady, one of his friends, someone from before, that’s what he said, but what kind of cleaning lady leaves behind scrunchies at work? Again, we can’t know for sure. 

       Well, there is more. We weren’t using anything. Like at all. After we came back from my “birthday trip” I noticed three condoms on that very “everything” shelf. They were always there, I just never paid attention to things like that. Not this time. Not even two weeks later, one of them was missing. Fuck. I am sorry. When I asked him whether he yk, when he’s yk alone—I mean, I get it nobody likes to get dirty, he said no. 

       Wait, there is more. Around that time, I remember there was blonde hair on his nightstand. It was a woman’s hair. I asked about his cleaning lady. Was she blonde? Yes, he said, I think so…I really didn’t want to know. I really didn’t want to know. At that point…I was like…just lie to me, just lie. You really wanted that to work. He left two weeks after that.

      Sometime between the “birthday trip” and the “condom story”, he went out with a coworker of his. I only noticed because it was my favorite bar that they went to. It was a completely different neighbourhood, thirty minutes from his office by train. Why would you bother to travel…thirty minutes…on two different lines…for a lousy ginger drink? Ginger—that’s the name of the bar. I said to myself it was nothing. I remember having that sinking feeling, like when I was seven or nine and mom said she hadn’t been crying, even though I’d heard the water running in the bathroom for half an hour. She changed the subject after that, exactly like him.

       We tried to stay friends, yk. I tried. I remember once he said a guy from his office wasn't speaking to him anymore. This conversation happened in September, almost two years ago. I never thought much about it, but then in March he said he’d slept with a marketing girl from work. He got unintentionally involved in a love triangle. He was innocent ofc. At least now we know why that random guy from his office wasn’t speaking to him anymore. 

       Wait, there is more. I think it is the same girl. He met her in the kitchen or maybe during the Christmas party. They went out for drinks in my favorite bar, thirty minutes away by two different train lines. Casually. As friends. He was still with me, but yk he wasn’t ready. During THE TALK, he said he wanted to flirt; fuck around. He probably meant her. You don’t say stuff like that unless you have someone real in mind. Am I crazy, or does this actually make sense? This makes sense. It does. You’re not crazy. Not at all, it’s just deeply sad, tbh. I am so sorry. 

Yeah. Me too.

       Anyway, there’s more. I am strongly convinced he also dated her. This happened after we broke up, when we were trying to stay friends, when I was trying. I mentioned something about rewatching some lengthy show for the two hundredth time. Also, Doctor House, he said. I never watched Doctor House. He streamed Doctor House for someone else. She watched it from his bed, wearing his shirt, covering herself with my scent. We never finished watching Twin Peaks. 

      Now I get this burning feeling in my chest whenever I see Hugh Laurie on TV. No offense to Hugh Laurie’s face, but I’d avoid watching any of his shows. Unwittingly witnessing the fall of our love. Mine. I was the whole relationship, and he was just…there.