try harder
explain more carefully
watch your body language
do not take too much space
watch his body language
read his eyes
read the subtext, the subtitles of his broken language
take care of his inner child
make him feel safe
completely abandon yours
begging and crying in the hallway
send another message
another lengthy letter
reassure over and over again
this time less needy, less clingy, less lovingly
get a PhD in psychology
enter psychosis but never text him 'cause boundaries!!!
learn all about attachment styles
go to yoga 5 times a week, find another studio—anything just to keep him comfortable and it doesn’t matter that
you've been giving up everything you ever loved. God forbit he’d think you are stalking
close the door, but never lock it
if you can, make sure it’s slightly ajar
just in case
one Saturday morning he wakes up ready (for someone else)
wish him happy birthday even though he’d failed to be your friend that last time you hurt yourself against his walls
protect his walls at all costs, but make sure yours are low, and fenceless
delete every word you’ve ever written, God forbid he’d accidently stumble upon your blog and realize you are still in pain
do not move on
stay stuck at arm’s lengh, stay loyal, stay in love
but do not! do you hear? do not show it!!!
never cry never scream never speak up
just be quiet and bury it all inside
if possible stop existing and if you ran into him on the street in the same neighborhood where you work, pretend you don’t kow him, actually no, just evaporate like a cloud that used to be rain
never stop yearning
keep writing books and soapy poems just in case he ever considers to consider you
cut all your hair off and then let it grow out
get off pills and start taking them again, different ones, stronger ones, anything just to forget yourself and fall asleep
spend all your money on mental-health support while watching him buy a new car
also, very important! never, but never hold him accountable!
just skip a step and blame yourself; ideally, tattoo on your forehead: Not the one, but still around!
let it die! where possible, pretend it never happened, just move on and never talk about it
and under no circumstances tell him you love him!!!
never admit you are unhappy; never ask for his help
and if you do, say it as a joke, or casually, or nonchalantly
keep the conversation shallow, never go too deep; the ships are sinking when the goods are too heavy
but again, the best case scenario is to throw yourself aboard
understand every hesitation, every voice crack, read every thought
never expect a confrontation
believe the “I am fine” but follow up anyway
however, never trust the “nothing” ‘cause it’s always “something”; it’s just your job to figure that out
act ok when he moves on, no jealousy, no crocodile tears, no drama
act ok when he erases you like a bad dream and never reaches out
act ok when he is figuring it out with her while he is in the red in your book
underlined!
There is a reason he left, and it’s you!
The last 3 letters of the spring 