The last 3 letters of the spring

This morning I reached for you all hazed
I bet it makes me sound pathetic
but, how would you know?
you see
I’ve been going through some “stuff” lately
by lately I mean, for over two years

that’s how you become a junkie I guess 

I needed to face THE loss (repeat a lie long enough and it becomes the truth)
and now that I faced it — so close that if someone had asked me how your neck tasted I’d say: nivea body soap for men with a musky afterglow; I am 
both the king and the knight running with the tail between my legs
drawing a seeker
forcing an endgame in someone else’s race

`since I am so good at beguiling
How come I never beat you at chess?


What is a coward when time means nothing
this morning I reached for you all dazed
sleeping in the middle of the bed pretending I like it
to tell you the truth (yk, because I am so good at deceiving and steering)
I’d rather build a fortress of cushions and pillows between us

that’s how you become a junkie I guess 

Recovering from this madness
longer than the actual crash
I can’t move when I am anxious, I need a minute!!!
shivering with some made up fever 
waking up in terror in my queen-sized bed— leftover love for breakfast— his buried resentment wasting more moves, and the life I imagined 
creeping up on me from the other side
you don’t fuck with the fear
the fraud’s having the jitters, don’t you see? 
It’s all shaking 
yet you can’t help it—it’s all invented 🙂


I was always afraid, at knifepoint I’ll be more in love 
that motherfucker is still lingering like an obedient servant; 
remembering