Long goodbyes in the hallways. Someone to pick you up at the airport/train station. A best friend you can fuck without a condom. Ferritin – 307ng/ml. Watching a movie without checking your phone. The discipline of reading every day for an hour. Someone to make you coffee without asking. Lying in `savasana without twitching your left leg. A long oversized coat which feels like a hug—preferably black. I should have said something before getting into that cab—he cries when I cry, yk. (anything would have sufficed). Anyway, a nice box to solve my Christmas ornaments storage crisis. Someone to call you a witch, no, not someone, him. To write without believing you suck. To be ok with the fact that you might suck. To do it nevertheless. Someone so patient and so so kind…that it would make the absence almost ok. Someone who comes back.
To cook for two and set the table for two; they do the dishes. To eat freshly picked walnuts from your Grandma’s tree, it’s late May, and your hands are all black from the iodine. A rainy weekend and nowhere to be. Unread books on the floor. To keep at least one plant alive for a whole year. A child to trust you with their secrets.
Wearing a dress with deep pockets—deep pockets in general. Drinking tea in the kitchen with your best friend. A best friend. Weeping on the bathroom floor because they are gone. Being so comfortable around them that you start speaking in your native language without realizing it. Someone to fantasize about when you touch yourself. Loving, hating, and remembering the damage they’ve caused— it’s been 2 years, yet staying present. Someone to invade your “personal space” because they crave you, someone to crave—and it is preferably the same person. Someone to mirror your micro expressions—even when they try not to, especially when they try not to, but you notice. To always notice. Falling apart because you are convinced they’ve moved on. Long train rides somewhere far, far away. Not eating, not sleeping. To eat, to sleep. Not washing that one sweater because it smells like them; Not wearing it either, it could mess with the scent.
Oranges, simply oranges (thank God, oranges exist). Baking for the sake of baking. Never giving up. Finally giving up. Someone to buy your shampoo because they miss the smell of your hair, no, not someone, him. Sharing an appetizer, even though they could afford plenty, and they will end up paying for the dinner anyway. Someone to know how you take your drink. Accidental meetings in the supermarket—both thinking it happened exactly like in that show, and agreeing that it’s not like this with other people.
Last 3 letters of the spring 