…a long time ago, at this point.

Humour me till it’s over
I am another now and yet the same
and all the things I wanted
I don't want them anymore 
unless you tell me to close my eyes and go back to that time, when...

...I was the one you wanted 
how pathetic
I know…I feel it all in my stupid sand-made bones 
unbreakable unless you kindle them like a firecamp in the middle of nowhere in complete darkness—all you can see is the starry sky—it’s like looking back to that
October 
it’s like holding your hand—let’s go home—I blurt, twisting the threads to their tangliest Freudian slip
from "we were happy" to "I don’t want to be here"—
what a trip!
and I’ll always be sad about it, 'cause 
misspoken words have killed us; that’s what happened, and I am heartbroken, 'cause
there is a new "the one" every other year
or maybe
you never miss me; never regret the leaving and all the baggage ‘ cause leaving me meant finding her
baggage-free
All my poems, nothing less than
colateral damage 
payback for missing on you
or maybe I am just paying the price
because you can’t be alone
here I am rejecting everyone because 
well, you know why , and still

No regrets, no worries ...
I’ve forced handles oftentimes 
Just enough, to be sure
‘cause imagine waking up, years later, and realising that you had hurt her
‘cause imagine waking up in the middle of the night, drenched in the cold sweat of urgency,
the dread of having walked away from someone precious eating you alive 
like a giving lover

I’d rather run barefoot 
and bruise my feet
leaving behind bloody traces of effort
At least my loyalty wasn't fake

All the letters
All my birthday cards 
flowers, lions
all the plants
and the home-cooked dinners
all the plans 
and the blowjobs
all that begging—


All evidence of love:
Imagine waking up one morning and realising that you had lost another friend - yeah.

Humour me till it’s over:
two liars 
two lies
You are fine
And you are not the love of my love
Was it even real? 
All of it...