Last 3 letters of the spring

chased

obsessed with

stalked

harassed 

inspired by

drawn

written about

dreamed of 

desired

missed

Owed

Owned

Objectified!

misunderstood 

(all the fucking time)

craved 

adored

wanted

to satisfy a fragile, precious thing 

in the name of virility 

bare minimum felt like the new indulgence 

potentially promising potency 

only on odd dates, but slowly detaching emotionally on even 

devoured as a temporary touch of incitement 

cheated with 

by yours 

by mine

haunted by 

infatuated even

aroused

intoxicated with? 

yes, and…

Loved?

No. Never loved.

I’d meet you on a random day in August

I’d ask about the big 30

You’d ask back about my 28

So, how did you celebrate

a crazy party, I presume

You don’t know me very well, I’d say

And add that I deep-cleaned my bathroom

You’d gently smile as if you were certain that had happened, and tell me I need help

I’d agree and make sure I am not looking at you when I say the following

Happy birthday, my love. I killed my ficus today

too much water

as I learned

The roots had rotted

It all started when

What does it matter when it started?

when it doesn’t

There is nothing wrong with wanting. There is nothing wrong with wanting. There is nothing wrong with wanting. There is nothing wrong with wanting. There is nothing wrong with wanting. There is nothing wrong with wanting. There is nothing wrong with wanting.

`anyway.

If you had asked me then what I wanted 

I would have said nothing 

But now

Now I want the sky and the dead stars

all of them

I want their ashes

stored deep in my tiger scars

If you had asked me then what I wanted 

I would have said lovely

It’s just 

The tears were scratching the back of my throat 

But now

Now I think it is terribly wrong

Such a mindless question coming from such a sharp-witted boy

I always thought you were smarter than I was 

And there is nothing lovely about that

It almost feels like kindness

exactly 

what I 

should have 

back then 

when you 

did

when I 

lovedyoutoo 

I keep talking to them as if they would understand me.

I keep hoping they would.

I keep holding space for their personalities to resurface – rise above and walk on water

Fuck, my…

suboptimal pain threshold of making mine yours

rejecting hope as a dangerous habit

‘cause I knew, I knew I’d have to be deficient in something

I keep expecting them to answer in the way you would 

for the record,

they do not.

Eyes closed.

I summon her images

her face 

her dimples 

her body

her stretch marks

her touch 

her touching my innocence

with nowhere to go

with no one to love 

I live with imaginary paintings

 among imaginary feelings

I live in imaginary spaces

among imaginary faces

Did you call to find out if I was in my right mind 

or not

Did you knock?

on a 

door

locked 

Did you throw away the letters?

from left to right, which read –

I am not ready

from right to left I read –

ready not

Am I?

Crossing paths with strangers

Avoiding their glances

Always looking at their shoes

Never at their faces, little Miss scaredy-cat is actually afraid

Never missed a thing—thought she’d die defeated 

If she passed you by.

That must have been the universe finally breathing out

after holding its breath for six months

So that you know:

The clocks are ticking again, and the snow is already melting

still cold—happy wrinkles buried in my babushka scarf 

Your feet are wet. There was a joke somewhere, but not now!

Now I look nice, don’t I?

That wasn’t my voice calling your name; it must have been my guardian angel.