It's been one of those days that you wouldn't remember years later
Funny how sometimes life is
All the important dates seem to blur in one full, dry sentence
It's been so long, like it never happened
but it
did.
Last 3 letters of the spring
Just call it what you want.
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yellow flowers in my vase losing petals Was it so hard to say: I am sorry, I want you back I was always ashamed of my imagination The blueprint—my father He was a lonely child visibly annoyed whenever I'd refuse to be one reality of two It was you and me Is it too late to be stating the obvious? Tell me, child, what does that teach you?
falling in reverse as if I were that man who once promised her the world as if I were the butterflies dying in her stomach the stomach you've laid your forehead on relying on the resilience of a woman’s womb
undervalued
I always knew that life would kill me, I just never thought it would take so long
Can I say something? How much rejection is there to swallow?
I know you miss it too. I know nobody does it like that
I know you were always ashamed of my special
gift
I know you know I am
no shitThe blueprint—my mother
She has always needed a parent of her own
visibly annoyed whenever I'd refuse to be oneWhat does that teach a child?
Everybody knows I've always loved the yellow flowers
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It drives me crazy. He seemed honest. I don’t know anymore. What would you think? If one day you just randomly find a scrunchie on the “everything” shelf in your boyfriend’s apartment? Not yours. You never wear your hair tied up. I’d think the worst. Yes, I know, his friends stayed there…four months ago…and he has a cleaning lady coming every two weeks on Wednesdays. And ofc, ofc it is possible that one of them...but idk, something’s wrong. Yeah, I get it. It felt so real back then. I'd still think the worst. It smelled like really shitty shampoo, the cheap kind. Hair ties DO NOT reek of cheap shampoo unless recently worn. I keep telling myself that it was the cleaning lady, one of his friends, someone from before, but what kind of cleaning lady leaves behind scrunchies at work? Again, we can’t know for sure.
Well, there is more. We weren’t using anything. Like at all. After we came back from my “birthday trip” I noticed three condoms on that very “everything” shelf. They were always there, I just never paid attention to things like that. Seven days later, one of them was missing. Fuck. I am sorry. When I asked him whether he yk, when he’s yk alone—I mean, I get it nobody likes to get dirty, he said no.
Also, around that time, I remember there was blonde hair on his nightstand. It was a woman’s hair. I asked about his cleaning lady. Was she blonde? Yes, he said, I think so…I really didn’t want to know. I really didn’t want to know. Just lie to me, just lie. You really wanted that to work. He left two weeks after that.
Sometime between the “birthday trip” and the “condom story”, he went out with a coworker of his. I only noticed because it was my favorite bar that they went to. It was a completely different neighbourhood, thirty minutes away. Why would you bother to travel…thirty minutes…on two different lines…for a lousy ginger drink? Ginger—that’s the name of the bar. I said to myself it was nothing. I remember having that sinking feeling, like when I was seven or nine and mom said she hadn’t been crying, even though I’d heard the water running in the bathroom for half an hour. She changed the subject after that, exactly like him.
We tried to stay friends, yk. I tried. I remember once he said a guy from his office wasn't speaking to him anymore. This conversation happened in September, almost two years ago. I never thought much about it, but then in March he said he’d slept with someone from work, a marketing girl. He got unintentionally involved in a love triangle. He was innocent ofc. At least now we know why that random guy wasn’t speaking to him anymore.
Wait, there is more. I think it is the same girl. They met in the kitchen or maybe during the Christmas party. Went for drinks in my favorite bar, thirty minutes away by two different train lines. Casually. As friends. He was still with me, but yk he wasn’t ready. During THE TALK, he said he wanted to flirt; fuck around. He probably meant her. You don’t say stuff like that unless you have someone real in mind. Am I crazy, or does this actually make sense? This makes sense. It does. You’re not crazy. Not at all, it’s just deeply sad, tbh. I am so sorry.
Yeah. Me too.
Anyway, I am strongly convinced he dated her. This happened after we broke up, when we were trying to stay friends, when I was trying. I mentioned something about rewatching some lengthy show for the two hundredth time. Also, Doctor House, he said. I never watched Doctor House. He streamed Doctor House for someone else. She watched it from his bed, wearing his shirt, covering herself with my scent. We never finished watching Twin Peaks.
Now I get this burning feeling in my chest whenever I see Hugh Laurie on TV. No offense to Hugh Laurie’s face, but I’d avoid watching any of his shows. Unwittingly witnessing the fall of our love; mine. I was the whole relationship. He was just there.
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Is it ok that I want to throw up when I look at old pictures of us? Is that normal? Is there someone to ask? I don’t even need an answer, only to ask Is it ok that I feel like being run over
When I get off at your stop? Inevitably pulling an Anna Karenina. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Except, you wouldn't understand what that means…I am the villain in both our stories. I am so sorry I am so sorry. Ofc ofc, come over, let's talk, let me tell you all of the whys, the whens, and the hows. Has it been the same for me? ofc, I am in hell on Thursdays, sobbing on the stupid sidewalk, crossing the street would mean giving up—I was never a runner I was never a runner, now I run I run.
Is it this bad for you, too? I need someone to tell me the truth—just this once, can you be honest? Is it this bad, or are you all liars? I am so sorry I am so sorry, the realer the threat, the redder the string. Am I a mastermind, or do you only avoid the ones you actually want? Cool cool. Can you relate to my platitudes? All the rushed thoughts, but make them sober. If I think about it, that’s deeper than Dante. It is not, but how would you know what that means?
Did it make you wanna throw up when I, when you, when she…did you cover your face with your hands? The face I loved, the hands I loved Remember November? Not just a random day, the entire month, yeah Remember the first time in my apartment? I was a love novel in another life. In this, I was I was something
With that in mind, may you burn in hell over nothing—we only have now. let's not do this let's not stay over
let's hope that's what loving is
It will go away sometime in October Will I hoard them in a pile of oldies, or or toss away the excitement? There is no reason to get angry - I never sent the birthday cards, btw, sorry for that
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The way birds stop chirping The way even the forest freezes The way your home isn’t home anymore, but a jungle there is no way I am actually gone
I am still here, I am still here
They, the lost boys, are forever lonely one-time pass for the bygone meaning disclosure: If I tell you the truth, can you promise to keep it true?
And I might miss the mischievous young boy ‘cause all I needed to know I learned from your smile gold-coloured coin has missed its toss Would I draw the luck? Maybe in another life Peter Pan is finally growing up what the fuck is the actual difference?
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You can't love someone into being ready and I know I know They aren't here because I am and I know I know They aren't running because I am chasing and I know I know
They aren't leaving because I am staying Something’s broken The third eye drops down, sinking Testing my immunity Against the same old same old
Wish me luck, babe I might be godforsaken
I am so in love with you, I just want to lie down in the middle of the street and cry That street, yes - let's just agree you stay on your side and I stay on mine unless it's you who's goddamned Had you left on time…but you lingered
doe-eyed, dog-tired, love-making turned into something more foreshadowed eyebrows high grinning up at me Had you noticed on time…but you must get rid of everything now the parsley in your fridge my half-empty vanilla body milk
Something’s broken The third eye drops down wide-open Testing my immunity Against the same old same old
Wish me luck, babe I might be godforsaken
sex is better when you rail something up sex is better when you're drunk sex is better when you're young sex is better when when IN LOVE
doe-eyed, dog-tired, love-making turned into something sadder
You said you weren't ready What about now? If I dissociate hard enough I can pretend I had fun ... There, there
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It all starts with a phone call From there, there is only one leap into the void I could probably go and knock on some doors and beg for a couple of minutes of small talk I can't change their mind even when they open I am crazy. I am mad. I am insane.
Weaken my knees and tell me how fascinating I am I am mad. I am deranged. I am not in my right mind.
When I talk, you want to strangle me...with a scarf? It's a tie Or, that one sob I still repress - kink shaming my troubled head, please don't don't Look me straight in the eyes and tell me - Tell me, but use your words this time
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If you had asked me then what I wanted I would have said nothing but now Now I want the sky and the dead stars all of them I want their ashes stored deep in my tiger scars
If you had asked me then what I wanted I would have said lovely It's just The tears were scratching the back of my throat but now Now I think it is terribly wrong Such a mindless question coming from such a sharp-witted boy I always thought you were smarter than I was And there is nothing lovely about that
It almost feels like kindness exactly what I should have back then when you did loved me too
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I keep talking to them as if they would understand me I keep hoping they would I keep holding space for their personalities to resurface - rise above and walk on water Fuck, my… suboptimal pain threshold of making mine yours rejecting hope as a dangerous habit ‘cause I knew, I knew I’d have to be deficient in something I keep expecting them to answer in the way you would
for the record, they do not.
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I wouldn’t need a reason, you know that, right? I don’t have one now either. I’m just, it’s been two years, and you are still the only person…yeah, I won’t say that out loud. I was thinking the other day about our imaginary life in new york—the one you didn’t know anything about, because we never actually talked about it, because I was afraid we’d break up. We did. Anyway, there is no loft; there is no kitchen island; no yellow flowers; no collections of fine wines; no burnt pancakes on Sundays; no sex on the windowsill. Everything is gone. I will never go to new york; I don’t want to go to new york anymore. fuck new york.
It wouldn’t be love—just a yoga studio around the corner; I’d eventually find a bookstore owned by a tiny woman; some random barista named Jil would get my order right EVERY SINGLE TIME. I wouldn’t adopt a dog, but I’d have a little kitten. It won’t have a name. It would wake me up at night. I’d share it casually: “Last night, it snuggled down in ITS sleep next to me”. I can’t let go. You had the largest smile. Forgive me if I made you uncomfortable. I probably made you uncomfortable, that’s why. I was wrong, yk, I was so wrong. I should have said something; I should have sent you the letters, and I did. I did send you the letters, didn’t I? All 45. You read them all.
Please do not answer. Please never answer. It’s a moment of weakness. Tomorrow I’ll be fine. I am just sleep-deprived. I am just tired. So very tired. I am just lonely. I’ll find someone on Tinder. I’ll take a shower. Put some clean clothes on. My long-sleeve shirt…the green one, yes, I should burn it or something…no, it’s not the smell; I have a washer, yk, it’s just…it’s been a heavy day, such a weird day…I almost…no, I promised! I wouldn’t dare…not again…and I know, I know…you are probably dating someone or something, you are probably busy or something, you are probably over or something…My voice is not shaking. I wouldn’t need a reason, you know that, right? Next week it’s my birthday, but you know)
Last 3 letters of the spring 