If it smells like lemons bitter and cold If it looks like lemons sun-coloured nipple-dry “thanks for the cab” I'd say when the yellow-haired-love-of-my-life wants me kneeling at the bottom of his pelvic bone Or, Perhaps The sound of them hooves brought me back to a land of hope It smelt like lemons stinging feeling might bite! It looked like lemons sun-coloured nipple-dry orange-like but lemons ...
The last 3 letters of the spring
Just call it what you want.
-
-
I am over you
Or am I tripping?
I am over you
Or is the time just poorer?
I am over you
Or am I being ruthless?
Have I cried all the tears at yoga? Do I have something left for the sidewalk?
I am over you
Or am I just keeping it cool during the week? Weekends are for eating pizza, rewatching Twin Peaks, and touching the blissI am over you
Or have I buried it 6 feet deeper?
Have I ever been honest?
Unlikely—a crybaby with sharper cheekbones
I am over you
early in the morning, when the sun rises
I see rainbows in your hair, and
your motionless body is peacefully sleeping
or
you wake up first, eating your protein bar in the kitchen
I hear the door
you slammed before leaving when rushing to work—I haven’t left that bed yet
maybe tomorrow, or the day after that
compulsively drinking magnesium, iron, and more
Will I ever awaken?I am over you
Or have I forgotten to look for the only living boy in this city?
Some days are harder than others
Most of them are just days I keep eating my food in my kitchen in slow motion, and
looking over my shoulder
Nobody’s coming, I just look over
lovingly
I am over you
Or am I just hiding inside the apartment where all my stuff is? I don’t even think I miss you
It’s just, you haven’t even seen my new place
funny tho, you seem to be everywhere, and
I wouldn’t want anyone in my house
except your motionless body sleeping peacefully in my bed
eating protein bars in my kitchen
Taking showers—too long
making my puzzle, completing the circle of desperate lovers
kissing
a crybaby with sharper cheekbonesAm I over you, or simply pretending it's over?
I keep forgetting leftovers I promised I’d eat
stored deep in your fridge
I am over you
Or has my hair grown longer? How much length does it take to forget
the last three letters of spring?And what do you say when it’s over anyway? And what do you say when it’s not?
I am over you
It’s too late
I am torn
draining shit
Do you still want it? Let’s fix this—how? idk
It doesn’t move on
It simply is
early in the morning when the sun rises, and
your side, still empty, of the bed you never slept in, ‘cause everything’s haunted
I live in my head with the ghosts unwanted
impolite company taking way too much space -
It's my turn to play coward Run away and hide my bones Just to kiss the face of a scarifying Casper playing a crowd—he was too just a boy once forgotten by fate
Or, at least stay there where there is no sign of death or gravestones in between How dreadful of me to get horny for a ghost I think about you often when I...
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Tell me something
a story about a little girl with hazel eyes running
in circles waiting for a life worth living
wearing a dark green hoodie
still remembering the humming of 4 Sons
forthcoming, the voices hazyTell me something light, like the dust on old books or the first day of winter
when it smells like cold, velvet scarves, wrinkles
around your mouth
Cover your body with a shirt
navy color I see
When I catch your eye, I take my clothes off
I want to make you beg for me
Nostalgic depression—in the elevator, 4th floor
doors closed, moving swiftly
I want to make you beg for more
watching the back of my head in the mirror
Come closer - I am done crying, stay in my life as much as you like
Here, drink some water, my darling
I want you to sleep in my bed, build a fortress of pillows, wake up early, and dance when you eat
tell me nothing about love—I want to make you beg for meTell me something about darkness
It must have hurt when your grandpa died
Tell me how your heart gets smaller every time you can’t remember
where you’ve placed your keys
That one time in remission, he knew your name for a minute
You look like your brother, he said
and never called to mind againTell me something about losing control—the leader of all the holy angels
I want you always, I want you sleeping safe, bare in my bed
Tell me something about forever
It must have hurt when you got that gotta talk message
She didn’t say goodbye
She said nothing
I thought you were going to leave me
just like
When my grandpa died
I still see him conducting orchestras
Each musician only hears the one leading, but never the others—they drive in the darkTell me something about the time you felt like running
because you look like your brother, he said
and never called you by your name again
It’s mai btw.Tell me something about forgetting
I am happy, I promise
Tell me a story about that warm, bright morning, and her first words were:
I am still alive, not a serial killer, that’s nice
reaching for your arm
the lips
only just meeting the shape of his head
forthcoming, the voices hazy
hazel eyes unflinching
I want you to beg for more
Give me the light at the end of the tunnel
If there is something at the end of this maze—I want you always, sleeping safe in my armsTell me again about the time you felt like choking
at the look of the wounded creaking soul
I remember the day
She didn’t kiss me goodbye
She took her book when she left
She hasn't stopped crying since then
...
so I heard -
you are still upset makes me look bad, really makes me feel like an asshole I said, I know it's been a while, and I don't know why I am still crying I guess I am just tired of abandoning myself like a homeless child what I really wanted you to hear was: Why aren't you sad also? How can you not be missing me? Or is the dying quietly milder than the missing out? When you slept with that teammate of yours, was she a part of that friend group from work? Or perhaps she was the ultimate girls' girl by leaving a cheap-reeky scrunchie behind… A good time in my favorite bar? doubtfully a nicer fuck. I’d hate myself if it wasn't that—awake in the dead of the night, all soaking always blonde, nails painted, not even pretty
You went alone on that vacation Soul Searching sipping Negroni in an overpriced hotel lobby all by yourself, never missing, never needing anyone meeting that one old-ass couple giving you perspective on company, quiet vows, staying kind They said, you think you have the time, but you don't really You only have now—wisdom tooth is crooked! Tell that girl that you're still lurking Trust us, she knows, but do it soon…right now even (!) before you run out of exposure you gotta trust they won't kiss&tell why you couldn't without love <awkward silence>
You returned all hopeful called me late at night saying let's grab a drink next Saturday, but what you really wanted me to hear was: missed you kinda' awful not moving to the Big Apple—they did reject my visa twice Maybe next year, after my birthday I’ll try, right…only when you want it badly enough
I couldn't get out of bed on Sunday I wouldn't understand You weren't missing me, it seemed like
I went on our vacation
Just me, and that one old-ass couple said If you really love that one person, make sure she knows You think you have time, but you really don't and all the pretty faces—nothing more than the illusion of a choice If you think about that one girl often Call her, tell her you’ve been thinking "You’ve done much thinking"
You went on that vacation, and met an old-ass couple Best Friends Happy They were barely talking—but you don't need words when there is intimacy They gave you some perspective And you see it now (!) All the important things have always been important It's just It's been a while of abandoning myself like a homeless child, and I can't understand why you aren't crashing out
I saved your face in front of my friends, yours know me as the crazy ex Why isn't she blocked yet? That time in Munich—leaving it all behind Taking you to strip clubs Updating your dating apps You need a rebound!
Unless it’s daddy’s issues for men—and here I am, still wearing your hoodies, and my hair is long again
Until That old friend comes knocking You left the door cracked open when You swore it was locked when You swore it was true when You said like-like You said me too Your loyalty would be feeling like cheating Borderline abusive, she wasn't even pretty Lol.
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I don't want to talk I have nothing to say aside from forgive yourself forgive them forgive me Forgive the world for lacking honest tears and brave men, and the evenings for changing into bitter nights, and the mornings for still grieving the shadows
Forgive the bottles of wine emptied for dragging your feet shuffling bolting the door with my body, and my shirt unbuttoned drying out a call the music for moving something—hollowed deeper inside draining away my scent smell my hair when you hug me and let it sink
Forgive the end of the world for never coming, and all the empty chairs left empty when all you need is swarm
Forgive the voice of some reason any for never penetrating the grit you’ve built yourself on, and the rain for washing the traces of 3 summers, another stand-in lover losing its ROOK
Forgive ME for arriving untimely deprived of devotion with my second-rate rawness awaiting my turn to be given charity despite my surrender denying my drought Forgive yourself for foolishly losing your battles while I was at war with myself winning for both of us giving up confidence, becoming dust through your fingers Forgive tomorrow for never coming proving not enough Forgive my ugly thoughts for not being cleaner
I’ll bleach them, I promise.
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I want to get a dog and name it Bill Yes, I watched that movie No, we don't have to talk about the future Right Now Of course, I am ALSO scared And yes, I am sure It doesn't matter anymore, time did heal us <both> The guy? kinda gay. He brought me back to life, but yk as friends ofc You said you were happy; I tried not to overthink New York sounds nice I don't wanna know if you’re fucking someone else <you asked> I don't remember how you taste I can’t even see your face, yk, when I close my eyes yk, when he’s there, inside I want him always: stroking out, looking straight into my soul crashing down, but yk, as friends ofc So, how’s New York? The soul—still missing? or perhaps, it stayed with me in the before It was all in my head, ofc I understand, you need time, more? Take as much as you want <I’ll wait> Not jealous, no They aren’t me, I know Laughing at your jokes, aren’t they? It must be just your wallet or stupid silly style None of it? the look on your face, my nightmares, the midnight texts, it wasn’t yours to give away, just saying <you're being invasive> I might have been afraid—in the end it’s nobody’s fault Just some mutually exclusive loss <I’ll see you around> ofc, but I’m moving away, very, very far away, for good this time What's wrong? Oh, I see <We’ll figure it out> No, I am not going to act on it <I know, I know, it was a joke, but> There is no right way to grieve <sometimes I don't want to be here> I just need some sleep, I think I can't read your mind, you'll have to say it I am <not the one> but I have enough for two <It’s not just fear> you’re right My friend? just someone passing by, nothing like that; kisses soft, his arms honeyed simultaneously dying a little death unknown to others, but yk as friends ofc How’s New York? My hand soothing yours—it's gonna be alright <I am still here> but I am busy this week I am busy next month Right now? Sorry, can’t tonight Your birthday? right…I forgot If you want to do it, you should <I stand by my decision> to leave? I've done some pretty dumb shit There is no right way to grieve Tomorrow works fine I don’t want to talk. I have nothing to say How’s New York? <raining here, cold> Prague’s ok, crowded I didn’t get you anything Friday? Next? Go if you want. I’ll move on.
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I have all this love I don't know what to do with it I can't call it by your name Therefore, it's nameless It has no shape, no smell, no future It will never go places It doesn't take breaks nor wants to leave me It's stuck It's stuck inside me somewhere between my ribs and my belly button I can't even give it to someone else Because it's yours, It’s yours always))
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You said you didn't want to be here
as in the room? as in love? as in with me as in at all?
It stayed with me that one hour The way I took my clothes off My white vest first It felt like smoke in the lungs of a person who never smoked Then my skirt I said, I don't want to wrinkle it funny—these are the things we worry about before it’s all gone I left it on the edge of the bed, and in my underwear with my long, messed-up hair, and I laid next to you kissing your arm kissing your chest kissing your face
So this is how death must be happening to someone It's been 5 months Still not sure whether it was real or fair, or right So this is how death must feel for someone…It's been 5 months; still not sure whether I wanna be here as in the room? as in love? as in with you? ... as in at all
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The idea of a headache
more like getting drunk
in a packed, heartbreakingly smelling bar
A universal truth claiming
when your soul cracks open, it reeks of cheap sex and chlorine
from all that cleaning I’ve been drowning myself in: high functioning depression
of eastern european women; beautiful visionToying with a random bartender
as if he were a mouse I took hostage under my wicked claws
You like watching me flirt with strangers
clenching your fists under the table
to prove how manly you are: you don't want me, you wanna be me; gorgeous view
Knowing perfectly well, I’ll write something about this very moment later
a couple of lines
saying
the idea of being the last one sober
The smell of eternity dying slowly in your arms, holy
no more than a death unknown to cold-blooded creatures; that’s us
Two cowards silently giving up
meeting each month in crowded bars, reliving surrender until they stop pretending
that
this
isn’t love.
The last 3 letters of the spring 