The last 3 letters of the spring

You said you didn't want to be here 

as in the room?
as in love?
as in with me
as in at all?

It stayed with me
that one hour
The way I took my clothes off
My white vest first
It felt like smoke in the lungs of a person who never smoked
Then my skirt
I said, I don't want to wrinkle it 
funny—these are the things we worry about before it’s all gone
I left it on the edge of the bed, and in my underwear with my long, messed-up hair, and
I laid next to you
kissing your arm
kissing your chest 
kissing your face

So
this is how death must be happening to someone
It's been 5 months 
Still not sure whether it was real or fair, or right 
So this is how death must feel for someone…It's been 
5 months; still not sure whether I wanna be here 
as in the room?
as in love? 
as in with you?
...
as in at all