The last 3 letters of the spring

Tell nothing
Just sit with me in silence
Do nothing
Just let me feel your mess
It caught me off guard
with my hair undone
In my bleached underwear
Before I washed my face 
In my dark play-act bathroom
In my empty play-act home
Look away
remember me crumble
say I am making myself cry
Blame me for my loneliness and rest your head on my belly 
In the last moment, close your eyes
then shut the door in my face and when you go
I beg you—stay gone!
say 
You don’t remember
If anyone’s asking
say
She was cold-hearted February
when I was August
say 
You were freezing 
when I was burning
say 
You’re better off alone

missed by 2 
minutes of stillness
a connection train
between two
strangers
I said
I miss talking to you
You said, “Any plans for the weekend?”
I said
I am afraid of you 
You said “I am not that scary”

And then;
The metal box went rigid
It’s only a matter of time
at home, you smell my long black hair on your shampoo - to cut off is to remember 
the riddance

One of the strangers didn’t feel well; The conductor told us later
It's not quantum physics: emergencies happen; you couldn’t have fixed it
I know you tried, though, and
sometimes that's the reason why butterflies fly
They stick to the surface and never leave 
That one place or, 
that one person who is 
nothing but a sticky slice of melted murder, once in a while looking for mates, but never actually 
mating

Getting sick of my trains -
missed and calling me crazy later? 

There is grief, and then there is this
Nobody's dead, but I think I might be little by little: what if she's tiny and blonde?!
You’d miss my call if I ever tested the waters, still cold. 
You’d miss my silence if my absence meant something. 
I missed my golden boy, how could I not?
What if she’s true, or worse, what if she’s blonde?!

My grief has a name
green eyes
always right
never feels anything 
except for all the feelings there are

My grief hates being tickled 
quick to judge your lack of confidence in the absence of a trial, 
unless you pled guilty in an act of faith, or stream of consciousness; then it’s your loss!
I had a dream where I was 
still walking down that aisle 
despite daring all its crimes
 made in the name of self-love, or God, or someone almighty, unless
I was missing myself
Vile, on the other hand, wasn’t I?

My grief has a name
used to hide in my arms
from all that darkness there is
My grief has a name and a track record of not being ready
plays it nice until all that’s left is violence
My grief has a name
except for all those days, it's silent 

Went through airport border control 
twice
You would have laughed so hard - very dana-coded ofc (checks out)
The little things which aren't little and the bitter longings - will they ever sweeten? (Lol)
Tell me more. about the time(s) you felt like running. You said, It's been a while
I said, I can(’t) relate
Happily ever after, but make it poorer. My silly spells, your heartfelt walks away. Abandon all hope, Or, something deeper

I would have downloaded another stupid app, just to eavesdrop right down: 
How do you open up your soul? I have a superpower
Allowed, Are They? Enough 
to see blindfolded windows…Not to worry
there is always more to witness…homeless love 
without shelter. guilting you into submission
questioning my witchness. How did I sink into
that sickness? Or,
somehow deeper
Its highest form
of course

That was sad, there’s no point denying how sad it was
You only recognize it, when you’re no longer in it
It was the real me, and it was the real you
yet "it wasn't really it"
In the middle of the night
brawling the air just to come out alive at 07:31
as if I was never on the other side
as if I was never THE…
still fighting back my wounded mirrors
shadows of my innocence 

I'll hold your hand when the big, scary guy lurks around your house 
politely scream your name (in my head, how else), and let (the other) kiss my shins

I’ll find my way out
I say, but I can't 
give you more than I’m allowed to grieve 
You love, and then you lose and there is no other meaning
It's not that deep
It was one of those things on one of those days
...
That's it.

the pause / the silence / your heart racing / cheering me up / your stupid jokes / your nervous smile / your man up voice / your way of saying I am here, please notice / I don't know how else  / but take this / take everything from me / would it help / I figured yes

I just couldn’t / find the words / failed to read between the lines / was I using my eyes / and held my arms instead / called a cab half dead / I know / too / how to run / couldn’t move my legs / really needed to sit down / dizzying sounds in my ears

like a broken record:

I am afraid / of you / of this / of what I know will happen / If I keep my promise / oversized hoodies for men / dressed up doll, or playing house / I hoped you’d understand / I wish you could / hoarding scrunchies as a final act of love / and I was thinking about you 

yk, I was wrong.

I loved that apartment, and
I loved it, not because it was just a cool apartment
Sure thing, it was!
I loved that apartment because you loved me in it
Here all things die silently screaming
Here I might not even be
...