The last 3 letters of the spring

you are still upset 
makes me look bad, really 
makes me feel like an asshole

I said, I know it's been a while, and 
I don't know why I am still crying
I guess I am just tired 
of
abandoning myself like a homeless child
what I really wanted you to hear 
was:
Why aren't you sad also?
How can you not be missing me?
Or is the dying quietly milder than the missing out?
When you slept with that teammate of yours, was she a part of that friend group from work?
Or perhaps she was the ultimate girls' girl by
leaving a cheap-reeky scrunchie behind…
A good time in my favorite bar? doubtfully a nicer fuck.
I’d hate myself if it wasn't that—awake 
in the dead of the night, all soaking
always blonde, nails painted, not even pretty

You went alone on that vacation
Soul Searching 
sipping Negroni in an overpriced hotel lobby
all by yourself, never missing, never needing anyone 
meeting that one old-ass couple 
giving you perspective on company, quiet vows, staying kind
They said, you think you have the time, but you don't really
You only have now—wisdom tooth is crooked! 
Tell that girl that you're still lurking 
Trust us, she knows, but
do it soon…right now even (!)
before you run out of exposure
you gotta trust they won't kiss&tell why you couldn't without love <awkward silence>

You returned all hopeful
called me late at night
saying 
let's grab a drink next Saturday, but what you really wanted me to hear 
was: 
missed you
kinda' awful 
not moving to the Big Apple—they did reject my visa twice 
Maybe next year, after my birthday 
I’ll try, right…only when you want it badly enough 

I couldn't get out of bed on Sunday 
I wouldn't understand
You weren't missing me, it seemed like 

I went on our vacation

Just me, and 
that one old-ass couple said
If you really love that one person, make sure she knows 
You think you have time, but you really don't
and all the pretty faces—nothing more than the illusion of a choice
If you think about that one girl often
Call her, tell her you’ve been thinking 
"You’ve done much thinking"

You went on that vacation, and met an old-ass couple
Best Friends
Happy
They were barely talking—but you don't need words when there is intimacy 
They gave you some perspective 
And you see it now (!)
All the important things have always been important

It's just 
It's been a while
of
abandoning myself like a homeless child, and 
I can't understand why you aren't crashing out

I saved your face in front of my friends, yours know me as the crazy ex
Why isn't she blocked yet? 

That time in Munich—leaving it all behind 
Taking you to strip clubs
Updating your dating apps 
You need a rebound! 

Unless it’s daddy’s issues for men—and here I am, still wearing your hoodies, and my hair is long again

Until
That old friend comes knocking 
You left the door cracked open when
You swore it was locked when
You swore it was true when
You said like-like
You said me too 
Your loyalty would be feeling like cheating 
Borderline abusive, she wasn't even pretty 

Lol.